Thanksgiving Day

Today I am thankful for authenticity and empathy. This is why I am so confident of displaying my vulnerabilities with the audience, so to speak, and why I make special point to express gratitude for those who have shown me compassion and appreciation, especially in 2018, when I really needed it most. THANK YOU ��

You know, tons of people have asked me, the past few years, how and why I got into the adult entertainment industry. I usually avoid the question or placate the asker to be honest. More recently I’ve given partial truth and stated I didn’t want to talk about it much. My reasoning was based in knowledge of psychology, marketing, and personal experience with discrimination. But I underestimated the volume of people who, for whatever reason, felt they “needed” to know and filled in the blanks with assumptions, for lack of solid answers.

Here’s the whole truth finally:
Listen, this is not new to me, being chronically ill. I knew my diagnosis years beforehand, and I knew my primary disease Myalgic Encephalomyelitis was (1) progressive (2)incurable. I knew I was no longer going to be physically capable of utilizing any of my degrees nor working in my fields of profession. I needed a back up plan.

But WHY this particular industry?
Because I also knew my limitations and amount of income needed. I wasn’t going to be able to work outside the home, nor be approved for disability.

If it’s a legit disability WHY aren’t you on SSDI?Although M.E. has scientific based evidence and a ‘Quality Of Life Score’ lower than hiv, certain cancers and multiple scleroses(meaning living with M.E. negatively impacts patients health and lives more than those aforementioned ailments does) there were not ENOUGH peer reviewed studies on the disease to convince the medical community as a whole. MANY doctors to this day have never studied this disease, nor even heard of it ?!? Some doctors assume the physical symptoms are manifestation of psychological illness. This has since been disproven and the CDC website formally changed it’s definition of the disease. I was still denied disability again anyway.

I usually get a plethora of follow-up questions: well then why didn’t you try this, why didn’t you go there, why didn’t you do that instead… ? It seems to be every ones instinct to immediately doubt me and make unflattering assumptions. And this is not something specific to me as an individual but how MANY chronically ill/disabled people are treated and also how MANY single moms are treated, especially those who choose to be part of the adult industry for survival. I am answering not because I care terribly about opinions of me, not because I feel the need to prove myself, but to bring light to the way that people in my situation are treated.

Oh, you said “survival” that must mean you don’t actually enjoy it? Incorrect. I ENJOY myself/my appearance, helping other women my age feel confident and sexy in their own skin (I’m 44 by the way.) and I enjoy the ability to work from home, make my own schedule, etc. I enjoy surviving and not being homeless yes. I do. Don’t you??? As a single mom w/o a support system my resources were severely limited and this was the best option for me.

Why was that the best option for you? Because I’m an only child, all my family members are deceased now. My ex-husband had stolen savings, moved out of state to unknown location, is thousands in arrears on child support, my credit shot/didn’t qualify for a loan. No one else to help, and no other way to get income.

Since my medical condition has worsened, my appearance and working styles have changed, and I have become more open about my health issues A LOT of people have unfollowed me, or stopped interacting with me/muted me on social media. A lot of people have gossiped. And even more questions have arisen. Very very many people are judges, doubters & haters of anyone with disabilities (what’s worse is that many of them are completely clueless about the extent of their own ableism) they struggle to accept dualities “you can’t be disabled and also sexy” and there was an emotional reaction to hearing the word “disease” from someone who claimed to be sexy.

Many have accused me of being a hypochondriac, liar, faker, lazy, pity seeker, etc. I haven’t gained a damn thing from ANY of this. I have almost lost everything as a matter of fact. I’ve zero ulterior motive in being forth right ?!

When I started obviously losing weight, it got even worse. When I was down to 125lb I got hate mail ranging from “for God’s sake eat more please” to “why don’t you just hurry up and die already” I was accused of having an eating disorder and also being a drug addict, while my coworkers of the same height to weight ratio got complimented on their appearance.

So NOW you see the main reasons why I did not divulge my diagnosis right out of the gate. I would have been judged, discriminators would have denied me work w/o getting to know me first, and I wouldn’t have been able to succeed.

I deliberately did mainstream porn as SOON as I decided to enter the industry while I was still healthy enough to travel and pull long hours- so as to get my name out and build a following before I got worse (and no my followers are not bought I have that many because I was published on multi pro platforms).

Once I built a following I ‘retired’ from mainstream immediately. I then had some traffic to drive to my amateur clip store which I opened couple years ago
The following year I launched my paid membership site it’s updated weekly and I continue to work from home publishing solo content. So now you know. It was all strategic.

The multi mini hiatuses 2017-2018 were secondary to my health rapidly worsening. I then discovered toxic mold in the walls of our rental home and learned that I had developed CIRS as result (biotoxin illness) I went into flare state again. In September when it was time to renew our Landlord added lease addendum making tenants responsible for their own maintenance/refusing mold removal and we had to make an abrupt unplanned move in October which sent me into a full crash. I am finally beginning to recover from the crash and hope to return to pre flare state SOON. I have ALOT of great stuff planned for 2019. Obviously I am rebranding but let it be known I am definitely NOT quitting the industry.

Yes, I am still producing new content and have just resumed taking custom orders. I also offer text sessions and sale of worn garments/select personal items. I NEED my fans/followers now to help me out! You know I NEVER ever “beg” for things but to help my relaunch I need you to promote me, like and RT my posts, be more interactive on my social media pages, most importantly invest in me! Buy a text session or do a naughty picture exchange via , buy a clip , join my website or just send me a tip!!! I also offer “rewards” for those who gift me items from my Amazon wishlist. Seriously guys, this year and especially this recent move, liked to have fucking killed me. It’s essentially like I’m starting over again in December. It’s scary and it’s a struggle but I am also excited to “re-emerge” finally and fully. For those precious few who have stuck with me throughout the trials and tribulations, I am so utterly thankful for your support!

In closing, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. I hope you all have a magnificent holiday season and I am SO looking forward to entertaining you and tantalizing you in the years to come!


A lesson about Social Media

This year, I learned a valuable lesson about social media .

After two months of literally begging for financial assistance, posting educational materials on how I’m in pain and how horrible this incurable disease  (myalgic encephalomyelitis) I suffer with is, I was left with an empty medical fundraiser.

That really and truly hurt.

It primarily hurt because during the last 8 week I spent   HOURS of free time & energy that I didn’t have answering tweets, DMs and emails asking questions about the illness , coddling the egos of those whom feigned empathy and allowed them to bathe in my emphatic gratification.

Many people made promises to support me.

Almost none of them delivered on those promises.  I’m not bitter, but have been awakened.

I now understand that to the majority of those following me, I’m merely T&A.  With that said, it should be easy to understand that most of you are now merely a wallet and a way to pay a rising stack of bills.  Right? It’s a clear cut & even exchange that way.

Its obvious that I’m better received in natural dominant form, so you can expect a lot more Femdom /Findom from me this year as well as slow burn & tease content & eclectic fetish art porn. There will hardly be any basic “vanilla” porn. It’s just not who I am and I refuse to continue to alter myself to suit supply and demand notions. I am who I am and I’m waiting for the perfect audience to present itself to ME.

This four month flare of mine (a medical relapse of chronic illness) and the hardships my family endured this year have been unspeakably difficult. The failed attempt to fund raise was the catalyst of this metamorphosis in so many ways .

I’m well aware that I’ve lost many vanilla porn fans who only follow those who post lots of free graphic content and regularly shoot xxx with pro companies. but thats fine, I’m permanently independent now and those jobs were stepping stones. If you hoped I’d begin shooting for others regularly, I am sorry but I won’t. I’d rather own and control My own content and marketing. I’m also  aware that I’ve lost many BBW fans as I unavoidably lost weight during this flare. Even when I go back into full remission, the likelihood of my gaining all of the weight is practically non-existent I’m not a feedee. i just weigh what i weigh

I’m just being blunt here because I’d personally rather have members who are interested in ME as a whole and my story as part of the brand.I’m probably going to lose even more “fans”  after this announcement. My struggle will be even greater health wise and financially as result and that’s OK. ​It’s part of the process. I’m oddly at peace with what I’m mentally and emotionally preparing to endure. It’s akin to a phoenix burning & being reborn from its ashes.

In closing, what you will see is a  transition from naive newbie who learned through a great number of cons trials and errors that ***IF*** you are someone who consistently supports Me (and by support I mean financial  and not with compliments) not much will change, because you repeat customers know I hook you up like that, But for those who’ve not yet proven themselves, it’s My rules,. No three strikes and second chances cost double.

I am simply not well enough or have the desire to squander another single moment nor ounce of my energy. On social networks, you may see less chit chat w/ non customers, I refuse to even answer any tweet, DM or email that starts with hey, hi, hru, wassup, blah blah blah, or stupid questions that the answers to are readily found on my page. I have a 5 email protocol which will be strictly enforced from now on for new clients attempting to discuss their fetishes under pretenses they’re thinking about ordering something.

Non refundable deposits will be required on all orders of custom video and Skype sessions as I’m done exhausting myself getting my area prepped for a shoot, dressing,   getting my hair and make up done, or spent time planning, or money purchasing items needed for specific vids/shows only to be backed out on. There will be NO exceptions on pre payment requirements. Nothing will be done until after payment clears.

This phoenix will soar again and I hope my true followers will soar with me